Sporadically Evil Sponges
by Liz Huisman
Summary: A silly parody of Epic Proportions. With a twist.
1. The Fellowship of the Randomly Mean Neck...

Title: Sporadically Evil Sponges (And Other Equally Silly Parodies of Epic Proportion)  
  
Author: Liz Huisman  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Disclaimer: If you think I actually OWN them, I'd love to know what YOU'RE smoking.  
  
Summary: The total parody. You get NEW QUESTS! 21st CENTURY GIRLS IN MIDDLE EARTH! AUTHOR CHICKS FALLING IN LOVE WITH LEGOLAS! AUTHOR CHICKS TRYING TO TAKE THE PLACE OF A FELLOWSHIP MEMBER! HORRID MARY-SUES! A DREADED HE/SHE! AND A SPONGE!  
  
A/N: To anyone who may ask: I am not high. Just had to clear that up. Anyway, here's your total parody. All the worst of the LotR section at ff.net is parodied here! (And if I forgot to poke fun at something, please, do tell me.) I would have wrote Chapter 4 of 'And the Angels Were Silent', but I'm too happy right now. So you get a parody instead. Enjoy.  
  
Archive: @ http://westwinger.tripod.com/lotr  
  
P.S.: Is there a Challenge Board for LotR? I'd like to get some ideas. if not, anyone interested in starting one?? Let's class this genre up, shall we?  
  
  
  
(1):  
  
The Fellowship of the Randomly Mean Necklace and What They Did While Beginning Their Quest (And Stuff.)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Gandalf the Gray/White shuddered when he heard the news. A new evil had arrived. The Randomly Mean Necklace, in the possession of none other than Frodo Baggins.  
  
He rode hurriedly through all sorts of country to get to Bag End, and tell Frodo. He had become worried, and to him, this Randomly Mean Necklace was almost worse than The One Ring.  
  
"Frodo, I must speak with you," he said as he entered Bag End. "There's a new evil, and YOU are in possession of it!"  
  
"Not again!" exclaimed Frodo. "Why me?"  
  
Gandalf scratched his head. "I don't know. Some demented plan of an author, I guess."  
  
"Evil authors."  
  
"Right on."  
  
Frodo sighed. "Weren't you here about some new evil I happened to possess?"  
  
"Oh, right. Yes. Frodo, you have in your possession a necklace. A Randomly Mean Necklace. It's an evil necklace, and must be destroyed."  
  
"Like into the Cracks of Doom? Do I get to go there again? I'd rather like to see it again," said Frodo.  
  
"It cannot be destroyed in the Cracks of Doom. You must destroy it in the Depths of the Dead."  
  
"No! Not the Depths of the Dead!" shrieked Frodo, running around in a circle.  
  
"Yes, the Depths of the Dead!"  
  
Frodo stopped running in circles due to dizziness. "Wait. What are the Depths of the Dead?"  
  
"It's found in Mordor as well. The New Dark Lord, Souran, needs his necklace back, because to do all his evil works, he needs that necklace!" (Not that that sentence made any sense, but you know what he means!)  
  
"Why'd he put power into a necklace?"  
  
"He's a he/she. More she than he."  
  
"NOT A HE/SHE!" shrieked Frodo, once more running in circles.  
  
"Yes, a he/she!"  
  
Frodo stopped running in circles once more, due to dizziness. "We gotta stop that, you know?"  
  
"I know much, and that is one of the things I know."  
  
"So. What do we do?"  
  
"We gather up the old Fellowship, and we journey to the Depths of the Dead to destroy the Randomly Mean Necklace!"  
  
"Yippee!"  
  
"I don't know what you're 'yippee'ing about. This is a dark and dangerous journey. Quite long, as well."  
  
"It's another long, dark, dangerous journey! I haven't been in one, for like, four ff.net stories!"  
  
"I can see you were born to be in a parody."  
  
Frodo didn't get Gandalf's joke, so he just stood there.  
  
"Well, pack your stuff! I'm going to go find Merry, Sam, and that fool of a Took."  
  
"Don't waste time. They're all right here!" Sure enough, Sam, Merry, and Pippin popped out of some boxes that no one noticed before.  
  
"We expected a journey, Mr. Gandalf," Sam said.  
  
"Are you prepared? There are many evils along the way."  
  
"We are!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"The evils are bad," warned Gandalf.  
  
"Like Orcs?" asked Merry.  
  
"Uruk-hai?" put in Pippin.  
  
"Saruman's cousin?" guessed Sam.  
  
"Black riders?" Merry wondered.  
  
"A big evil shadow?" Pippin guessed.  
  
"Are we close?" Sam asked, looking at Gandalf.  
  
"Much eviler than Orcs, Uruk-hai, Saruman's cousin, Black Riders, and a big evil shadow," Gandalf said.  
  
"Than what is it?" asked Pippin impatiently.  
  
"They are rather new. They are known as The Gollum Estrogen Brigade."  
  
"The Gollum Estrogen Brigade?" squeaked Sam.  
  
"The Gollum Estrogen Brigade is a very evil group. They forever swore their love to Gollum, and will do anything to stop us, especially Frodo, because Gollum died, and they blame us," Gandalf told them solemnly.  
  
"Why do they want ME?" asked Frodo, horrified at the notion that any group named 'The Gollum Estrogen Brigade' would be after him.  
  
"Because Gollum died trying to kill you," Gandalf replied.  
  
"That'd do it."  
  
"So, are we all ready to leave?" Gandalf asked, looking at the four holly jolly Hobbits sitting in front of him. (Well, technically, Pippin wasn't sitting in front of him. He was half on/half off a box that was to Gandalf's right. But let's not be picky.)  
  
All four nodded their heads vigorously.  
  
"Then off we go!" exclaimed Gandalf.  
  
They left Bag End, and took to the road that would lead them to the Buckland Ferry.  
  
"Oh, and Peregrin?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Saruman does have a cousin. Surimon."  
  
"What kinds of names are these? Surimon and Souran?" (The author was too lazy to think of good evil names, so she just changed some letters. Heheheh.)  
  
"The author was too lazy to think of good evil names, so she just changed some letters, young Pippin."  
  
"That's just what the author put in parentheses."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
They journeyed on. And on. An on.  
  
Finally, they came to Bree. (Assume several days have passed, okay?)  
  
Harry, the gatekeeper, answered their knock on the gate.  
  
"Who's there, and what do you want in-where am I again?"  
  
Bree, you dumbnut!  
  
"Bree!" he finished.  
  
"We are Gandalf, Mr. Brandybuck, Mr. Took, Mr. Gamgee, and Mr. Underhill. We would like to stay at the Prancing Pony tonight."  
  
"What's your business?"  
  
"What are business is does not involve you nor does it matter to you. Let us in, or I shall boil you!"  
  
"Yes s-sir, Gandalf." Harry opened the gate for them.  
  
"My thanks, Harry."  
  
Harry nodded to Gandalf.  
  
They continued to the Prancing Pony. (It's The Prancing Pony, not the Prancing Pony! Get it straight!)  
  
They continued to The Prancing Pony. They entered, and Gandalf spoke to Barliman Butterbur.  
  
"We need four hobbit-sized beds, and one wizard-sized, Barley," he said.  
  
"Hello, Gandalf! It's nice to see you again!"  
  
"And you as well, Barley. I see business is doing well, considering all things," Gandalf commented as Butterbur led them to some rooms.  
  
"Indeed it is, indeed it is. And did I tell you? The King is coming down the Greenway! Imagine, the King is staying here! At the little ol' Prancing Pony!"  
  
"I was not aware, Barley, but that's indeed good news for us."  
  
"Though, I must say, Gandalf, we've been having some problems with Mary- Sues lately. They keep dropping in from the 21st century, and want to know where the Shire is. Of course, Nob and Bob do their best to keep them out. But it's a nightmare! Why are so many showing up?"  
  
"In the 21st century, there are lots of girls that are in love with one character or another, so they try and drop themselves into our story! Be warned: you must keep them out! They are evil!"  
  
"And CRAZY!" Pippin suddenly cried.  
  
Gandalf chuckled a 'Gandalf-chuckle'. (First he gets a 'Gandalf-look' and now a 'Gandalf-chuckle'?! What's next? I'm not telling.)  
  
"Many are also smoking crack," said Frodo. They all looked at him. "I don't even know what crack is, and why you'd want to smoke it is beyond me, but that's what I was supposed to say!" he defended.  
  
"Oh. Okay," said Gandalf, returning to his conversation with Butterbur.  
  
Just then they heard loud noises and many cheers coming from outside.  
  
"It's the King!" exclaimed Butterbur, running out. Gandalf and those four holly jolly Hobbits followed.  
  
"Welcome, O King!" greeted Butterbur as Aragorn entered, followed by four of his men from Gondor.  
  
"So, Barliman, would you consider me more trustworthy now?" Aragorn asked, smiling at the old landlord.  
  
Butterbur blushed.  
  
"Gandalf! This is a surprise!" said Aragorn, noticing for the first time the wizard standing behind the berry-red landlord.  
  
"So is your arrival!" Gandalf replied.  
  
"And you Hobbits!" Aragorn stepped forward and embraced the four in a giant bear hug.  
  
"Good to see you, Strider," said Frodo warmly.  
  
"What brings you all here?" Aragorn asked, looking from the four Hobbits to Gandalf.  
  
"If you would spare some time later, I will explain," said Gandalf. "Now, come, your four, I have become aware of something else that you will need to know for this journey."  
  
"Which would be?" asked Pippin impatiently, as always.  
  
"I have discovered the existence of the Sporadically Evil Sponges!" he exclaimed.  
  
"No! Not the Sporadically Evil Sponges!" shrieked Frodo, running in circles.  
  
"Yes! The Sporadically Evil Sponges!" said Gandalf.  
  
Frodo stopped running in circles, because he was dizzy again. "What are the Sporadically Evil Sponges?"  
  
"Evil of the worst kind sporadically."  
  
"I don't know what you mean."  
  
"Of course not! No one understands what I mean!"  
  
Frodo looked at him. In the silence, grasshoppers could be heard chirping.  
  
"They are evil only sometimes," said Gandalf, recovering from the bad joke. "Sometimes they are evil, sometimes not. That's why they're so dangerous."  
  
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," muttered Sam.  
  
"Gandalf, I think I'll listen to what you have to say now. It sounds serious," Aragorn informed him.  
  
"Come along then."  
  
Gandalf proceeded to explain the whole situation to Aragorn (including Saruman's cousin, Surimon, and The Gollum Estrogen Brigade).  
  
"This sounds serious! And dangerously perilous, too. I must accompany you," proclaimed Aragorn.  
  
"That was what I was hoping," Gandalf told him. Aragorn hurried out, and when he came back, he was wearing his old, ragged traveling clothes. (Where did the clothes come from, I hear you ask? I don't know. This is a parody. And I am writing it, and I say he changed. Quit asking stupid questions!)  
  
"When do we leave?" asked Aragorn excitedly.  
  
"Tomorrow morning, after some sleep, and a few beers," answered Gandalf. "BARLIMAN!" he yelled. "I need one of your fine beers!"  
  
"Coming, Gandalf!" Butterbur yelled from another room.  
  
"Gandalf, one thing is bothering my mind."  
  
"What is that, Frodo?"  
  
"According to you, I have this Gollum Estrogen Brigade after me, I have that Souran mad at me, we have Sporadically Evil Sponges do deal with, and Saruman's cousin on top of that! How ever are we going to succeed?"  
  
"Don't worry, short one. It's no worse than last time."  
  
"Yeah, but last time there was no Gollum Estrogen Brigade."  
  
"That'll make things a little worse, I admit."  
  
"Yes, it will! I'm going to be hardly safe ANYWHERE!" cried Frodo at this sudden realization.  
  
Nob hurried in with Gandalf's beer. "Thank you, Nob," Gandalf said politely.  
  
"Most welcome, Mr. Gandalf," Nob replied, as he hurried out at the sound of a bell.  
  
" Tomorrow we must start early, and try and reach Rivendell. I have sent messengers to find Legolas and Gimli, and they will meet us there as soon as possible. From there, we go to the Depths of the Dead," Gandalf explained, sipping his beer.  
  
"NO! NOT THE DEPTHS OF THE DEAD!" shrieked Frodo, running about in circles.  
  
"Frodo, you already did that!" Gandalf reminded him.  
  
"Oh yeah." Frodo stopped immediately.  
  
"Now, I think we should all get a good nights rest. We have many miles to travel tomorrow," said Gandalf, 'ahh-ing' and setting his empty beer mug down.  
  
"No! Not-wait. I don't need to run in circles about that," said Frodo.  
  
No one listened to him.  
  
"Goodnight, my young Hobbits," said Gandalf as he and Aragorn left the room.  
  
"But I'm hungry!" exclaimed Pippin suddenly.  
  
"You foolish Took. Come along then, and get something to eat!"  
  
"What about me?" asked Merry.  
  
"You too, then. What about you and Sam?" Gandalf asked Frodo.  
  
"I'm not hungry. The thought of Saruman's cousin Surimon and The Gollum Estrogen Brigade have made me lose my appetite."  
  
"But I'm hungry!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
So the five of them, three Hobbits, a wizard, and a king, left Frodo alone.  
  
But wait.  
  
"Hey! Since this is a parody, isn't something excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil supposed to happen right now?" cried Frodo, but no one heard him. Alas.  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
  
  
End note: Good God. That's longer than I was planning on it being! But anyway, do you like? All comments appreciated.  
  
P.S.: I'll keep writing 'And the Angels Were Silent' too, for all of you who liked that story as well. I just haven't been in a dark enough mood so far today to write anymore. Cheerio! 


	2. How The Fellowship of the Randomly Mean ...

Chapter Two: How The Fellowship of the Randomly Mean Necklace Meets The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, and How The Sporadically Evil Sponges Almost Nearly Kill Frodo (And More Stuff.)  
  
  
  
Frodo couldn't have been more right when he said that something excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil was going to happen.  
  
He had been left alone for about ten minutes, when there was this rapping on the windows. Freaked, he raced out and found Aragorn, downing a beer with Gandalf.  
  
"Strider, there's something at the window!"  
  
Aragorn looked at him with a funny expression. "Frodo, it's just the wind. You're being paranoid."  
  
"No! I mean, there. Is. Something. At. My. WINDOW!"  
  
"Okay, I'll come look," Aragorn said reluctantly, following Frodo. Everyone else followed Aragorn. (They didn't want to miss all the excitingly hilarious and freakishly unexpected and evil fun either!)  
  
Aragorn looked out Frodo's window. "There is absolutely nothing there. You have become paranoid from all of those stories about bad things happening to you!"  
  
"No I haven't!" Frodo replied.  
  
"Yes, you have! I mean, there's been arrows flying at you, you falling through pools and stuff, 21st century girls hounding you! What could one expect?"  
  
All of a sudden, something popped up in the window. They all turned and gasped.  
  
"Frodo, we love you!"  
  
"Marry me Frodo!"  
  
"He's MINE!"  
  
"No, he's M-I-N-E!"  
  
"MINE!"  
  
"I love you more Frodo!"  
  
"No, I DO!"  
  
Frodo jumped back. "Hide me, please!"  
  
Gandalf quickly picked Frodo up and dragged him out of the room. Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Aragorn, who were also a bit worried by the rabid fangirls, followed them.  
  
Gandalf took them into the now-magically-empty common room to stay safely for the night, away from all of the fangirls.  
  
"Gandalf, what WERE they?" Frodo asked worriedly, for he did not yet know what they were.  
  
"Those, Frodo, are rabid fangirls. They want YOU, and you alone. They'll stop at nothing, so be careful!"  
  
Frodo shook with fear. "No! Not rabid fangirls!" He started running around in circles.  
  
"Frodo, stop that!" Frodo stopped. "Thank you!" Gandalf said, for he was rather dizzy from all of the circles that Frodo had run in.  
  
"Now, we need a plan. We need to get out of here as early as possible tomorrow morning," said Aragorn seriously. (Seriously!)  
  
"I know what we shall do. Make for Weathertop," said Gandalf.  
  
"But—that's where I was stabbed the last time!" cried Frodo.  
  
"This time, it won't happen," Aragorn promised. "I won't let it."  
  
"Nor will I," put in Sam proudly.  
  
"I will not either," declared Merry.  
  
"I refuse to allow it!" said Pippin, sounding much more sure of himself than he felt.  
  
"And I will not allow any of you to act stupid, Pippin!" said Gandalf, jesting at Pippin, who glared at him.  
  
"Alright. Then it's all settled. We leave as early as possible tomorrow morning," Aragorn said. "Now, we absolutely MUST get some sleep. We have a long journey ahead."  
  
"Goodnight, everyone," said Frodo, and he lay down.  
  
"Goodnight, everyone!" echoed Sam, lying down near Frodo, to protect him.  
  
"Goodnight!" exclaimed Merry, who followed suit.  
  
"Goodnight!" Pippin exclaimed, but he did not follow suit. (He did not know what the expression meant until Merry kicked him, and he lied down as well.)  
  
"It IS a goodnight, isn't it?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"No!" cried Frodo. "There are RABID FANGIRLS trying to get me!"  
  
"My apologies, and goodnight," said Aragorn, lying down.  
  
"Goodnight!" cried Pippin, Merry, and Sam.  
  
"We know it's a goodnight! Now SHUT UP!" roared Gandalf. They hushed up immediately.  
  
Everyone slept peacefully that night.  
  
  
  
The next morning, they awoke to the rooster crowing. Frodo ran back to his room to pick up something he had dropped the night before, and found all the beds torn up.  
  
"Imagine that!" exclaimed Butterbur when he saw the mess. "Who would have though? Guests can't even sleep in their own beds!"  
  
"Do you EVER get sick of that line?" demanded Gandalf, who was sick of that line.  
  
"Well, I thought it was the intelligent thing to say," he replied.  
  
"It was maybe intelligent, but that doesn't mean I will never get sick OF IT!" Gandalf said, unexpectingly raising his voice again.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Gandalf!" replied Butterbur. "Well, you'd best be off. Those fangirls will wake up soon, and if you aren't out of here, than they will be on the attack!"  
  
"Thank you for all your KIND HELP!" said Gandalf, his voice doing the voice- thingy again.  
  
"Anytime, Mr. Gandalf. Now, get on with you!"  
  
So they left. And they journeyed some more. And some more. And they were almost to Weathertop when something happened.  
  
"Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants! Sponge Bob Square Pants. SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Sponge Bob Square Pants. Sponge—" (I'm sure you get it.)  
  
"What is that?" asked Merry quietly.  
  
"That is the band of Sporadically Evil Sponges," explained Aragorn. "Frodo, we must hide you. It's you they want, and I'm not about to let anything happen to you!"  
  
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"Nor am I!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Will you knock that OFF?" exclaimed Gandalf with the voice-thingy.  
  
"I will!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
"I will!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"I will!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Don't you know what I mean when I say knock THAT OFF?" roared Gandalf.  
  
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"We'll stop now!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Stop THAT!"  
  
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
"We're spoofing ourselves. This is what we do!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"We're spoof—"  
  
"I know what you're DOING!"  
  
Now, very afraid of Gandalf, they stopped. For now.  
  
Meanwhile, Aragorn was hiding Frodo in some bushes. "Now, if you get in trouble, hoot like an owl."  
  
Aragorn started to go back to group.  
  
"Hey! I can't hoot like an owl! Bilbo couldn't hoot like an owl! No Baggins can hoot like an owl!"  
  
Too bad Aragorn didn't hear him.  
  
The Sporadically Evil Sponges hammered down on them. Frodo tried desperately to hoot like an owl, but to no avail. He utterly failed at hooting. So no one heard him not hooting when the arrows started flying over his head.  
  
Arrows? From SPONGES? WHAT KIND OF HORRIBLE PARODY IS THIS?  
  
A fun one. Leave me arrow-shooting sponges alone!  
  
Ahh… okay. Author rants aside, the arrows were flying, and Frodo was not hooting.  
  
By the time everything was over, Gandalf had three arrows sticking out of his hat, and Aragorn was worried like crazy when Frodo was not behind the bushes not hooting like an owl.  
  
"Where has that Hobbit gone?" He heard something in the distance.  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"It's Frodo! Let's go!" Aragorn started running, followed by the rest.  
  
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" they heard a Sporadically Evil Sponge cry as they neared.  
  
"SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!" cried the rest.  
  
"STOP IT!" cried Frodo.  
  
"I agree with Frodo!" cried Pippin, running straight into the middle of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.  
  
"Pippin! You came! These sponge-types were so annoying!" Frodo exclaimed. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" he yelled, imitating the lead sponge. "What is UP with THAT?"  
  
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said one of the sponges.  
  
"THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE!" yelled Frodo.  
  
"How do sponges shoot arrows in the FIRST PLACE?" wondered Gandalf.  
  
"BUT—THEY ALMOST NEARLY KILLED ME BACK THERE! DON'T YOU CARE?"  
  
"Of course I do, young Frodo. Now, really, we must be GOING."  
  
"What is UP with your voice?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I don't KNOW!"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Hey, have you met me cousin? Sponge Bob Square Pants? He's square," said the same sponge that had spoken before, this time with irritation in his voice.  
  
"No, we have not," replied Aragorn. "We must be going. Toodles!"  
  
The six members of the Fellowship quickly ran off.  
  
"Hey! We wanted that Randomly Mean Necklace!" yelled one of the Sporadically Evil Sponges.  
  
"We'll meet again!" cried another.  
  
"HEY! MY COUSIN IS SQUARE!" yelled the one who had been going on about Sponge Bob Square Pants the whole time.  
  
Aragorn ignored the yells, but looked at Frodo. "Why didn't you hoot like an owl?"  
  
"Because I CAN'T hoot like an owl! I yelled that as you left, but you didn't hear me. Typical spoof."  
  
"Then you should have yelled!"  
  
"I was too busy not hooting like an owl!" Frodo shot back.  
  
"Alright, that's ENOUGH!" put in Gandalf. "Right now we are on the run from the Sporadically Evil Sponges! We must not let them CATCH UP!"  
  
They all ran like mad people to Weathertop. (So they ran for a few days. SORRY!)  
  
They huddled along the backside of Weathertop with their backs to a fire, anticipating something evil to come along.  
  
They were SO right.  
  
In the distance, Merry thought he saw some funny shapes.  
  
"Oh no," said Gandalf. "It's what I've been fearing for days. The Gollum Estrogen Brigade."  
  
"No, not The Gollum Estrogen Brigade!" cried Frodo, imagining himself running in circles, for he could not really run in circles.  
  
"Frodo, I will protect you!" said Sam valiantly.  
  
"I will protect you too!" Merry added valiantly.  
  
"As will I protect you!" Pippin said valiantly.  
  
"Okay, will you STOP with this whole Mossflower hare imitation thing that's going on?" begged Aragorn.  
  
"And once again, we do not understand a reference made by the AUTHOR," said Gandalf.  
  
Shut up!  
  
They watched in silent horror as a large group of black masses traveled toward them. Frodo tried to resist the temptation to put on the Randomly Mean Necklace. It was too strong. On it went. (The Randomly Mean Necklace does NOT make you invisible. It just makes you Randomly Mean. This time, it did not make Frodo randomly mean.)  
  
"So what's up with these Dark Lord's putting their power into jewelry anyway?" asked Merry. "First there was that Ring, and now that Necklace."  
  
"I don't KNOW," answered Gandalf honestly. "Souran is a he/she, for all I know. He has a thing for jewelry, I suppose."  
  
"That's just stupid," Merry said.  
  
"That IS stupid," said Sam.  
  
"That is really stupid," Pippin added.  
  
"Knock that Mossflower thing off at ONCE!" yelled Gandalf.  
  
"Quit yelling! They're coming!" said Aragorn harshly.  
  
They all went silent.  
  
Frodo twiddled his thumbs.  
  
Merry, Pippin, and Sam twiddled their thumbs.  
  
Gandalf twiddled his thumbs.  
  
Aragorn twiddled his thumbs.  
  
The Gollum Estrogen Brigade moved nearer.  
  
Suddenly, a shriek was heard.  
  
"Frodo!" exclaimed Aragorn, grabbing a branch and setting it on fire. The others followed suit. (Except Pippin, because he still didn't know what 'following suit' meant. Merry kicked him, and he grabbed a branch and set it on fire.)  
  
They fought off all of The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, and ran to find Frodo. Frodo was screaming in pain.  
  
"Not again!" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"Not again!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Not again!" exclaimed Sam. "Hey, that was out of order!"  
  
"Frodo was stabbed with… a toothpick?"  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
  
  
A TOOTHPICK! Stay tuned… 


	3. MORDOR (But They Don’t Go There… YET)

Chapter Three: MORDOR (But They Don't Go There… YET)  
  
(Hey, look! A SHORT chapter title! ::grins::)  
  
  
  
  
  
Aragorn dug around in Frodo's shoulder. Frodo was emitting a random 'Ow' or 'That hurt, you bastard!'.  
  
Finally, the toothpick came out!  
  
"That is one helluva big toothpick!" exclaimed Merry in amazement. (Sam and Pippin had been hit in the head with large sticks by Merry and had fallen asleep. Why? Just because.)  
  
"There's something… glimmering on it." Aragorn inspected it further. "It says… MORDOR™?"  
  
"MORDOR™?" asked Merry.  
  
"MORDOR™," confirmed Aragorn. "In silver writing, as well."  
  
"That's a big toothpick!" exclaimed Frodo as he came to full awareness and saw it. "That was IN me?"  
  
"Yes, it was," said Aragorn. "But the funny thing was, it WANTED to come out! As soon as I started digging around for it with the digger-thingy, it started coming towards it."  
  
"Do you suppose it just wanted to pick Sauron's teeth?" asked Merry.  
  
"Sauron doesn't HAVE teeth, Merry!" Aragorn said, looking at him oddly.  
  
"Yeah… but… um… moose?"  
  
Frodo and Aragorn shook their heads. They had no idea what Merry was babbling about, so they just ignored him.  
  
"Hey… maybe… no… wait… um… antelope! No… not right… um…"  
  
"How do you feel, Frodo?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"A lot good! I mean, fine! Excellent!"  
  
"Fantastic! I didn't want a repeat of the last time," Aragorn replied.  
  
"Shall we move on?"  
  
"What about those two?" Aragorn asked, motioning over to Sam and Pippin, who were snoring away.  
  
"Merry!" called Frodo.  
  
Merry ran over and kicked Sam, and then Pippin. They both awoke with a start.  
  
"Hey!" they cried at the same time. Then they looked over at Frodo.  
  
"You're awake!" cried Sam. "Mr. Frodo!" Sam ran over and hugged Frodo.  
  
"Samwise, that may have worked last time, but I'm SICK OF ALL THE GAYNESS! I AM NOT GAY! ALRIGHT?"  
  
Sam backed away, shocked at his master's behavior. "I-I'm so-sorry, M-Mr. F-frodo…"  
  
"Oh, Sam, I am too. Just no hugging, okay?"  
  
Sam nodded.  
  
"Hey! Frodo's awake!" cried Pippin.  
  
"You, Pippin, are slower than a dead rabbit," commented Merry.  
  
"I… I am not!"  
  
"Frodo's been up for what, five minutes, and you JUST NOW NOTICED?"  
  
"WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THE UPPERCASE CONVERSATIONS?"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!"  
  
"HOW ABOUT WE STOP THAT! IT'S BECOMING ANNOYING!"  
  
"ALRIGHT!"  
  
"YOU FIRST!"  
  
"NO, YOU!"  
  
"ENOUGH!" cried Aragorn. "Merry, you stop screaming in caps first, than Pippin."  
  
"OKAy," said Merry, lowering his voice.  
  
"SOUNDS GOOD TO me," said Pippin, also lowering his voice.  
  
I am THE best, thought Aragorn. So many problems averted tonight due to my cleverness! I AM the best! God loves me the be--  
  
"Um… guys? Have you noticed anything?" asked Frodo suddenly.  
  
"What?" everyone else asked in unison.  
  
"Where's Gandalf?"  
  
Everyone looked around.  
  
"Um… maybe… no… was he… no… um…" began Merry. No one paid attention to Merry.  
  
"Well, we certainly didn't lose him!" said Aragorn.  
  
"A wizard is never lost; he is exactly where he wants to be when he wants to be," said Gandalf, suddenly appearing and lacking the whole voice thing.  
  
"Look at this," said Aragorn, pulling out the toothpick from his bag. "This came out of Frodo's shoulder. Do you see the marking?"  
  
"It says MORDOR™. I had no idea Sauron had a toothpick-making company."  
  
"Apparently, he does," said Aragorn. "He manufactures evil, poisoned toothpicks, all made to stab Frodo with."  
  
Gandalf looked at him. "That really did not make sense, but okay."  
  
"How did that not make sense?" demanded Aragorn, miffed that Gandalf was questioning his cleverness.  
  
"We must be going. I am worried that The Gollum Estrogen Brigade might attack again, and we mustn't be anywhere near!"  
  
Everyone began running around and gathering their things.  
  
"DANG DIGGITY!" exclaimed Frodo suddenly.  
  
"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" asked Sam worriedly.  
  
"The Randomly Mean Necklace is not in my pocket! I LOST IT!"  
  
"Everyone, begin searching NOW! This is indeed a bad thing," said Gandalf.  
  
Sam went down and searched at the bottom of Weathertop. "Hey, I found a penny!" he said excitedly.  
  
"We're not looking for that!" roared Gandalf. "The NECKLACE, Samwise, the NECKLACE!"  
  
Sam began searching again. Meanwhile, on the other side of the hill, Pippin, Merry, and Aragorn were looking.  
  
"Hey, guess what I found?" asked Pippin.  
  
"What?" asked Merry.  
  
"No, guess!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"GUESS!"  
  
"A penny?" he asked lamely, for lack of anything better.  
  
"No! Guess again!"  
  
"Ara-GORN!"  
  
"Alright, alright! It's a… (insert dramatic drum roll here) SHOELACE!"  
  
"Ack, Pippin! The NECKLACE! Not a shoelace," scolded Merry.  
  
After a few more minutes, Pippin shrieked again.  
  
"What?" asked Aragorn, exasperated with the whole search.  
  
"I found a rubber chicken!"  
  
"PEREGRIN TOOK! THE NECKLACE!"  
  
"Alright, alright!"  
  
After a few more minutes of combing the area, Merry gave a shriek this time.  
  
"What is it, Mr. Merry?" asked Sam, who had now begun searching with them.  
  
"I found another MORDOR™ toothpick! Ack!"  
  
"Don't touch it, whatever you do!" ordered Aragorn.  
  
"You think?"  
  
"Alright, that was a stupid thing to say," he admitted.  
  
"Um… guys?" said Frodo sheepishly.  
  
"What?" they all snapped. They were all tired of looking for the Randomly Mean Necklace, and just wanted to go on to Rivendell.  
  
"Ah… I hate to tell you this, but… it was in my other pocket the whole time."  
  
"WHAT?" screeched Merry. "You mean… you mean to tell me that I almost TOUCHED another MORDOR™ toothpick, looking for that dumb piece of jewelry, and it was in your pocket the WHOLE TIME? I say we just let you destroy the thing yourself. I'm sick of this journey! I wanna go home!"  
  
"Meriadoc Brandybuck!" scolded Gandalf. "What about this undying loyalty of yours?"  
  
Merry hit himself in the head. "I'm sorry, Frodo! I wasn't thinking! It was… the MORDOR™ toothpick! It had an Effect on me…"  
  
"Let's just go, okay? I'm hungry," said Pippin.  
  
"We're not going to get to Rivendell THAT fast, Mr. Pippin!" exclaimed Sam.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm still hungry."  
  
Aragorn shoved some food under Pippin's nose. "If it'll take food to shut you up, all the better. Let's move on."  
  
So they moved. (Insert Jeopardy theme song here.) They made it to Rivendell. (Yes, you nitpickers! It's been seventeen days or some shit. Happy?)  
  
"Gandalf, everyone! It's a good thing to see you! I've been terribly worried," said Elrond as they stepped into the main house.  
  
"What is it that has had you worried, dear friend?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"I've received word of several separate evils on your trail," he replied. "The Gollum Estrogen Brigade, the Sporadically Evil Sponges, and the Four and Three Eighths Riders from Mordor."  
  
"The WHAT?" screeched Frodo.  
  
"The Four and Three Eighths Riders," replied Elrond.  
  
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" cried Pippin, running around in circles.  
  
Frodo smacked him hard. "I'M supposed to do that." He stepped away from Pippin.  
  
"NO! NOT THE FOUR AND THREE EIGHTHS RIDERS!" he cried, running in circles.  
  
"You insane Hobbits!" said Gandalf. "Stop that immediately!" Frodo stopped.  
  
"So… what exactly are the Four and Three Eighths Riders?"  
  
"Do you remember the Nazgul?" asked Elrond seriously. (Seriously!)  
  
Everyone nodded as shudders ran down their backs. Frodo's were the coldest, though. Anyway…  
  
"We'll, they're sort of like that."  
  
"Sort-of? SORT-OF?" cried Frodo. "What do you mean by SORT-OF?"  
  
"I mean that they're sort-of the same. They come from Mordor, and the Dark Lord Souran. They are the Kings of old that had received necklaces from Souran."  
  
"The three eighths then?" asked Aragorn, thoroughly puzzled.  
  
"The fifth one broke his necklace in the shower. So when the power overtook him, he became just three eighths of a creepy ghost dude instead of a full one."  
  
"Ahh…" everyone said in unison.  
  
"Are they riding horses or those flying thingies?" asked Sam, worried more for his Mr. Frodo than anything else.  
  
"Neither. Sheep."  
  
"SHEEP?" cried Aragorn, suddenly bursting out in laughter at the thought of these big ugly black things riding sheep.  
  
"Sheep," confirmed Elrond.  
  
"Do they… fall over?" asked Pippin, grinning.  
  
"This author needs to STOP INCLUDING REFERENCES WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND!" cried Gandalf. (The reference? Veggie Tales. The tipping sheep. Erm… yeah, alright. Keep reading.)  
  
Suddenly, Frodo screamed. Really loud. Everyone looked over, but they couldn't see him.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam, starting to worry.  
  
They heard a faint cry. "What was THAT?" asked Pippin, confused as usual.  
  
"Hey, where'd that cliff come from?" wondered Aragorn.  
  
They all ran over to the newly made cliff.  
  
"What in the bloody—" Elrond started. He was cut off, though, by the shock of what he saw over the edge of the cliff…  
  
  
  
TBC  
  
  
  
A/N: This chapter was truly insane. Yes, it was! This was also a lot shorter than the others, but I thought the whole cliff thing would be a good place to stop. Cliffs, I hear you asking. CLIFFS? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! No… wait… um… hey… what… boy oh boy… 


	4. Some More Stuff Happens And Then The Sto...

(4): Some More Stuff Happens And Then The Story Ends (FINAL CHAPTER And It's Short With A Twist)

Down the cliff, they saw Frodo being pounced upon by fangirls.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried again.  Gandalf jumped up, banged his staff to the ground, and cried, "You shall not get him!"  The fangirls looked up, screamed, and then vanished into thin air.  Gandalf went down, picked a shocked Frodo up, and brought him back to the top.

"What were they after?" asked Merry.

"Well, besides my body, my soul, my love, and my part, nothing," Frodo replied, with a hint of anger in my voice.  "How do *cliffs* just appear out of thin air?  And those awful fangirls!"

For the first time in his life, Elrond looked confused.  "I… uh… I really don't know where they came from."

"ELROND!  I was being *mauled* by FANGIRLS!  They were all from the 21st century, and after ME!"

"Frodo, I DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER!" Elrond yelled.  Then he sighed.  "Whoa… two thousand years of stress just came out right there…"

Frodo just sighed.  "Whatever, I'm fine, now… some food would be nice!  And how about some shampoo for Strider?"

"That's indeed a good idea, Frodo!" exclaimed Pippin, imagining all the kinds of delicious sounding foods that would be at Elrond's table.

"We have dinner set out, follow me," said Elrond.  Gandalf, the hobbits, and Aragorn followed Elrond into the Last Homely House, and into the dining room, where the long table was filled with lots of delicious-looking foods.

"FOOOOOOOD!" cried Pippin, running toward the table.  Merry just laughed and followed him.  

Frodo saw that at the table, already two people sat.

"Legolas!  Gimli!" he exclaimed.

"Well, it's about time, young Frodo!" said Legolas.  "We've been waiting all –"  Legolas was cut short by the doors flying open and a mob of girls ran in.  Frodo ran and hid behind Elrond, but they paid no attention to him.  It was Legolas they were after.

"Not again…" he whined, and then set off running with extra elf-speed.

"More fangirls?" asked Frodo.

"What do you mean, more?" asked Gimli, eyeing him curiously.

"Well, outside, I was mobbed by some too."

"How come no one ever mobs ME?" Gimli cried, running from the room.  Frodo shrugged.  

"Maybe he should cut down on the scary dwarf-braids in his beard?"

Everyone laughed, and then sat down at the table.  They were eating their meals when the doors burst open again. 

"Really!" exclaimed Pippin.  "You'd think we could eat in peace!  But NO!  We have to be MOBBED!"

In through the doors came the Four and Three Eighths riders, coming in slowly on their sheep.  One tipped over.  (It was the three-eighths one.)

"What is this?" cried Elrond.  "Who let THEM in?  Elladan!  Elohir!" he cried as he ran from the room, leaving the rest of them eyeing the slow-moving bad things with wonder.  

"Frodo, get down!" cried Sam, pushing on Frodo's head.  Frodo glared at him.

"WHAT did I say about the touching, Sam?"

"Right, right…"

Another rider tipped over.  Pippin and Merry kept right on eating.

"Gandalf, we must not let them get to Frodo!" cried Aragorn, leaping up.  Gandalf leapt up as well.  They began to ward off the onslaught of sheep, but one managed to get past and took it's jolly old time coming to him.  Frodo began screaming like a girl…

***

Frodo sat up straight in his warm feather bed.  He was sweating heavily.  He looked around.  Familiar bedroom, familiar feather bed…

He was back in Bag End! 

He got out of bed, and walked around the hole.  No one else was there.  Quickly, he checked the date.  February 4.  Yesterday had been February 3.

_It was all just a dream, then.  All just a bad dream… _he sighed with thanks.  That dream was rapidly becoming way too insane, and Frodo was just glad he was out.  

He made himself a quick cup of tea, and sat down in his armchair to relax.  Just then he heard a frantic knock at his door.

Grumpily, he went over and opened the door.

"Frodo, let me in, quick!  You have something that is –" started the visitor, none other than Gandalf the White formerly known as Gandalf the Grey.  Frodo slammed the door on him and went back to his bedroom.  He did *not* want to hear about anything like that again that night.  As he snuggled back into bed, he hoped that no more crazy and insane dreams would haunt him that night.

END

Any complaints?  Comments?  Go on, I dare you to insult me.  *grin*


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